“Hi. One of my friends has told me that he avoids me because, by his view, my demanding for replies is abusive. I’ve tried to explain him that I just worry whether the person has received my text. A result? ~> I don’t hear from him for few days, though see him answering to others. Am afraid to text him again – there is a chance that he has read and avoids me willingly. But… I worry that he could not receive and also worries… Any advice?”

 



Hello Anonymous

Thank you for your question. I think a lot of people will relate to this particular struggle.

Firstly let me say that I completely understand your frustrations. It is so annoying and just plain hurtful when someone deliberately ignores us.

It sounds like your friend is being pretty unfair. How is expecting a reply abusive?

As far as I’m concerned the issue here is that you need to decide what you want and what you’re looking for in a friendship. It is totally your right to expect certain behaviours from your friends. Of course, people can’t be controlled and so no one is going to behave exactly how you want them to all the time. But it is your perogative to decide whether someone who repeatedly causes you angst and leads you to feel hurt and frustrated is someone worth your time and energy.

You see, this is not just about replying to texts. In his behaviour he is also communicating something to you. It feels as if there is some aggression in his tone with you. It feels as though he is kinda telling you to bugger off to be honest. And if you say he is not doing this with others then perhaps he is not valuing you and your friendship as much as you are. Do you believe you deserve to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you as much as he does other people or as much as you value him?

It is very difficult to accept these things and so perhaps you are hoping that eventually he is going to respond to you in a way that will meet your needs. It will take time to let go of that and to come to terms with the fact that he is not meeting your needs.

But don’t despair. There must be other people in your life who do respond to you and who are available to you when you need them. And there are more where they come from. Pay more attention to those people in your life. They are far more valuable and putting time and energy into them actually makes sense.

Did that help? Do you have follow up questions? Please send me your questions using my Ask Your Therapist page.