Sex without emotions, what’s the deal?

Following on from my earlier post about Fifty Shades of Grey, I have been in ongoing discussions with myself and with friends about this notion of “MacDonalds erotica” and “MacDonalds sex” for that matter.

Have we come to accept cheap thrills over meaningful, satisfying and holistic experiences?

In our discussions, the following points are always raised.

1. Sex and love are separate

It is possible to engage in sexual activity without necessarily having feelings involved. Some people are more capable of this than others but it definitely is possible, no doubt about it.

2. Sex without love is mechanistic

If you are the type to have sex without love than you most likely engage in the physical act in a purely physical way. It’s about bodies, body parts, holes and poles, in and out, etc. Some people call this “sport fucking”. It’s about the physical exertion. It might be quite fun, gives you a bit of a rush, gets the endorphins flowing around in your brain, etc.

I’m not bashing this kind of sex. It can be useful and like sport or dancing it can be good for the body and mind. As a release, to de-stress, or to feel human touch (which is a human need not to be overlooked or minimized).  However, like most porn, sport fucking is devoid of depth, of greater meaning, and does not (in my opinion) make use of all of our human potential.

3. All agree that sex with feelings is better

In all my discussions there has been no one that refutes the fact that sex when emotions are included is better. It is easier to communicate your desires with someone who you share a connection with. It is easier to let go and feel relaxed. And all agree that sex actually feels better i.e. the pleasure is increased when it is with a significant other rather than someone you have no feelings for.

The issue at hand is one of intimacy and vulnerability. If you allow yourself to be seen by someone, to be known by someone and that person cares about you and their care helps you feel safe and held and respected then you can open up to them in ways you won’t (and probably shouldn’t) with those who do not offer you this care and safety. Therefore, when there is a relationship with the person and you have shared yourself in other ways this naturally increases the intimacy between you (for an example of how this works check out this article about 36 questions that will lead to love).


But can there be intimacy without love? And can there be intimacy without commitment? Without a promise of a relationship?

So my questions for you this Monday morning:

<3 If feelings (and communication of those feelings) are so important in terms of increasing intimacy and therefore leading to better sex, does that mean that one could (and should) include one’s feelings with every sexual partner?

<3 Can you include emotions and vulnerability if there is no commitment?

<3 Would you be open to experimenting with this level of intimacy in all of your sexual encounters, even the ones that would usually be classified under “Macdonalds type”

<3 We all know the risks are around feeling vulnerable and exposed but even long-term relationships end and cause heartache, so why not risk it more often?

<3 Or should we all be a lot more careful about who we allow to touch our bodies and our minds? Is a certain type of emotional purism required? Should we stand up against sex without intimacy?

I really would love to hear your opinions… (you can stay anonymous if you like)


xx Carly



The above image is an original artwork by Lady Skollie titled “Pussy Dick Pink”

Find her on Instagram @ladyskollie

Showing 16 comments
  • kaytiwrites

    I really appreciate this post! I wrestle with these questions myself, for me I have to have the emotions along with the physical, but then I fear getting too attached. So I feel stuck.

  • Carly

    Hey Kayti. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. Yes indeed I think these are the issues for anyone who is soft hearted and doesn’t just use sex for domination and control, but actually has the capacity to feel and to connect with another human being. My advice to you would be to keep protecting that lovely heart of yours. Don’t be pressured into doing anything that doesn’t feel 100% comfortable for you, especially in terms of your body. Women have for so long been told that we must “give ourselves” to men, that our worth lies in our ability to be sexy and to be a sexual object for a man. It is going to take a very long time to undo this societal pressure and to feel empowered enough to say no while also acknowledging our own sexual needs. Getting attached is a sign that you are a functional female mammal – do not resent this aspect of your being. The most beautiful souls are those that can connect with others and do not flinch or turn away from the opportunity of a relationship. It is important to also not become too defended but it is just as important to protect yourself. In order to do this, you first need to know yourself. If you have discovered that you need an emotional connection with sex then honour this. It’s not easy though. Strength to you!

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