Hello everyone. Here is my first vlog (video blog, mum). I am super nervous about publishing this because it is in no way perfect. As an attempt to shirk perfectionism and self doubt I am going ahead and doing it anyway.
This is the first of many more to come and I hope to continue to learn and grow into this new role and avenue for Carly’s Couch.
If you would like me to answer a question for you please send it to me via the contact form here.
Please enjoy the video and send me your feedback! Oh and follow my Youtube channel so that you can watch me improve with time 😉
“Hi. One of my friends has told me that he avoids me because, by his view, my demanding for replies is abusive. I’ve tried to explain him that I just worry whether the person has received my text. A result? ~> I don’t hear from him for few days, though see him answering to others. Am afraid to text him again – there is a chance that he has read and avoids me willingly. But… I worry that he could not receive and also worries… Any advice?”
I subscribe to Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner’s newsletter “Lenny” and this week the theme was female friendships. They wrote:
Friendships between women are as complex and ephemeral and necessary as any romance, and when you find a really good one you hold on for dear life.
So I’ve been thinking about friendships a bit because of this issue. I think we sometimes take friendships too lightly. If we are to have meaningful, committed long-term friendships then shouldn’t we be prepared to work on these as much as romantic ones? When it comes to commitment in friendships, what are the rules?
Like what about the case of a best friend who starts dating your ex? I don’t wish to entrench the rules of patriarchy that state that men are the prizes for women to compete with each other for. I’m better than that. But on some level I really do think it sucks when people go after their friends’ exes.
I happen to have a rule against this myself. I have never, nor do I ever want to hook up with a friend’s ex or an ex’s friend. A huge part of why I have this rule is because I’m a guilt person and would drown in my own guilty conscience if I ever hurt someone I cared about because of my own carnal desires. But I’ve also based this decision on personal experiences and common sense. It feels like this is a serious boundary for me.
Evidently this is not the case for everybody. So what do you think really matters in the end? We seem to accept (well that’s changing too I guess) that fidelity should be a given in long-term romantic relationships. But is fidelity a thing in friendships? A lot of the “rules” in friendships are developed through a kind of a unspoken, sisterly bond that develops over time via countless verbal sharing sessions. We don’t necessarily tell our bestie that we expect her not to hook up with our ex but might get super sad when someone we know hooks up with him and cry on her shoulder during this time. In that way, the “rule” is shared in a subtle way, requiring the other to have empathy, a capacity for reading social cues and a desire to be pro-social.
So, should friendships contain these unspoken rules or should we be sitting down and speaking about our expectations? If you know your friend is sensitive in certain ways (trust issues, competitiveness, loss, etc.) then surely you don’t need to be told to tread lightly in these areas? But when it comes to love (and lust) are we vulnerable to throw out the rule-book?
Is the power of attraction and the hope of romance more important than honouring a female friendship? Surely it isn’t only women who struggle with these issues in friendships? I mean there is that whole “bros before hoes” adage, which despite being offensive to women, is practically the same thing we’re talking about here. And in the show “How I Met Your Mother” there is a lot of talk of the “Bro code” and how hooking up with a best friend’s ex is definitely not something that is taken lightly.
So, is this an individual thing that needs to be negotiated between mates or are there some universal pacts that are made when girls engage in deep and profound friendships? Can the most awkward and painful of boundary violations be recovered from or does it do irreparable damage to the bond between babes?
When it comes to your besties, where is the line?
I have gotten into the habit of going for runs/walks around my neighbourhood and taking photographs. Here are some photos I took last week and interspersed amongst them are some of my favourite quotes.
The theme (as is always the case on Carly’s Couch) is one of self love, boundaries, and being true to yourself.
I hope you enjoy!
A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding.
― Marshall McLuhan
The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.
At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.
Fucked-up people will try to tell you otherwise, but boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgements, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviours that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviours. Boundaries teach people how to treat you, and they teach you how to respect yourself.
Love isn’t safe. And whoever you love will hurt you. It’s part of the human experience. No-one is perfect … people make mistakes. The secret is to focus on what they do right and decide what quirks you can live with.
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.