This next vlog is a bit slap-dash, I’m afraid. I didn’t have any help with this one I am getting used to this whole filming myself thing. I am sharing it nonetheless because I want to share this message with you today. I hope you enjoy!
Being single on Valentine’s Day can suck but here are some tips for how to be loving and loved up today and everyday, no matter your relationship status.
I know it’s been a shit year for many reasons. 2016 has felt near apocalyptic, what with Brexit, Trump, climate change denialism, and the trend towards right-wing politics. Not to mention the number of deaths in the music industry – with all these legends passing, it’s been a really depressing time.
Leonard Cohen’s death felt particularly significant right after Trump won the election. I listened to his beautiful songs all that day and for the first time since 9/11 (or 11/9 if you’re American) I could actually process the emotion of what happened. It felt like love had lost.
Listening to Cohen’s love songs reminded me of something my mom has always said – “the 60s was the chance the world had” – which always made me feel incredibly nostalgic for an era in which I didn’t live through yet somehow knew deeply. When last did we have a pop hero ask the world to give peace a chance?
The thing is that we all know that love and peace is what the world needs. If I had done a sample of my Facebook timeline the days after he won, I can assure you the majority of posts were about distaste for Trump’s racism and bigotry. I do seriously believe there are more goodies than baddies in the world. But at times like this it feels like the bad guys are gaining ground and their power, which is manifested through fear and control, looks threatening.
A lot of you may be wondering what you can do and I also know the feeling of defeat that comes with seeing your side lose. It is really hard to keep going when things haven’t gone well. But this is the thing that I want to share with you today.
I have been thinking about the fact that so many people still recoil when hearing the word feminist. I was thinking about my experiences with patriarchy and my encounters with men. Patriarchy is such an insidious force that I believe I have experienced sexism and discrimination based on my gender far more than I am even aware.
If Beyoncé’s album Lemonade is anything to go by, then we can assume that even Queen B has experienced betrayal and hurt at the hands of the man she loves. Not that I ever thought they were invincible but it just goes to show that no one, however powerful and fabulous, is immune to being fucked over in relationships.
Relationships are hard. Committed, long-term relationships are the hardest. There is definitely some beauty in the story of overcoming hardships together and finding the way back to love but I wonder how much B taking Jay back after he cheated supports the notion that committed relationships involve suffering. In this narrative we are taught to endure difficulties in relationships, that “sticking it out” and “fighting through the pain” are inevitables when it comes to love. But what happens when this narrative drives us to accept the bullshit that no one should accept. My concern is that we over-commit to the wrong people too soon in relationships.
What do you think?
For example, how many people do you know who set their sights on someone and despite all the signs being there, remain interested long after their crush has shown anything from disinterest to disrespect. How many of you have excused him/her for
The list goes on. Sure, accepting these forms of mistreatment are to a large degree determined by one’s own sense of low self-esteem/desperation/neediness/worthlessness. We accept the love we think we deserve. But let’s face it, all of us have at some point been vulnerable to someone who gives us less than we deserve. It is incredible to me how so many people put up with mistreatment in relationships. But why?
So what should we be looking for and how can we learn to distinguish whether someone’s shitty behaviour is worth accepting or not?
I don’t think there are hard or fast answers for any of these things but I know this for sure. If he/she likes you, you will know about it. When he/she is ready and willing for a committed relationship, it won’t take a rocket scientist to discover this fact. If you’re questioning and doubtful over his/her interest then he/she probably isn’t that into you. Come on, guys, there is a whole book written on this very topic!
Some clues he/she is into you:
Whether you’re in the early stages or deep into a long-term relationship, there will be times when that significant other does something to hurt you or piss you off. Ask yourself:
If it’s a yes to any of the above then you probably need to reassess what’s going on. As a couple’s counsellor I can tell you that couples can come back from just about anything. There are many betrayals and wounds that can be healed with therapy if both parties are prepared to do the work. It takes a lot of energy but it isn’t impossible. There are ways, like Lemonade shows us, to find our way through betrayal and back to love. I believe that some couples actually have their bond strengthened by going through hardships. But before you begin to romanticise the brokenness, remember that the fundamentals have to be in place. Above all else, choose someone who shows you respect, love, and commitment.
“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?”
Warsan Shire
We all have family but not all of us are lucky enough to have healthy relationships with our family members. It’s a tricky thing because we don’t get to choose our family so therefore it isn’t uncommon for people to find their family members unbearable. Those closest to us are often the ones that irritate us the most. It’s much easier to see their flaws. You also have a lifetime together and therefore have a lifetime’s memories, both good and bad. But if you’re one of the lucky ones then you will know that the love that you receive from family is by far the warmest, fuzziest feeling in the world. This is why.
From the minute you are born, you are surrounded by family. Family is your first community. Family, whether genetically related to you or not, is the glue that connects you to the world. We first learn about ourselves and the world through our families. They are therefore our first teachers and our earliest markers of identity. We have family, therefore we are. And this sense of ourselves gets reinforced over the years through interactions with our families where memories are created and then collectively recollected. Very few people will know others for their entire lifetime, but family is there from the beginning, mirroring our selves back to us, consistently and honestly.
Part of what keeps the rhythm of family interactions, is the participation in shared traditions. Ritual gives life a sense of meaning. And tradition tends to shape so many family interactions. Some families follow certain cultural or religious practices but even the most secular families still meet for birthdays or mother’s day, for example. And within these practices, these traditions, a sense of purpose and meaning is established. I think these rhythmical articulations are a very important way of establishing and maintaining family relationships.
As with any relationship, the bond that gets formed over time has as much to do with trust as it does to any action performed. Why should we trust our family over others? I don’t know. But I think that if we have repeated experiences of love and kindness from anyone, we will slowly develop a trust with them. Family is no different. Family relationships get built over years and so long as they don’t cause us too much harm, we are going to feel like we can come to rely on these people to be there. What’s more, is even if we do learn of some unsavoury aspects of our family members’ personalities, we can still learn how to navigate our interactions with them so that we make the most of their good parts. Sometimes having a clear understanding of another person’s faults or shortcomings actually aids a feeling of connection and trust. It’s a kind of “better the devil you know” thing.
Our family get us at our worst. They clean our poopy diapers, they blow our snotty noses, and they tolerate our tantrums. Later on, they endure our teenage angst and survive our rebellions. And just when they feel they can finally start enjoying us again we leave them to go out on our own, leaving them to tolerate enormous feelings of loss that come with an empty nest. It isn’t easy to be the one that gets those 3am phone calls or to be the one that picks up the pieces of another broken heart. We really do show our families the good, the bad, and the ugly. We come to them broken and bruised, looking worse for wear, and do not think twice about whether they will accept us or help kiss it better. I believe that it is this very ugliness that creates the strongest bond. There is nothing more beautiful or more meaningful than knowing that someone sees you, sees the whole you, and still chooses to love you and to be there for you. It is to have the very truth of you seen, acknowledged and accepted, unconditionally.
So what is unconditional love and why do families know the secret recipe? I Think it has to do with the previous 4 points. We learn to love via our families. We learn how to be loved via our families. We have our first experiences of ourselves and we come to feel accepted through these relationships. Family is the place where you know you can show up without make-up on. It’s where you can bring the full range of your emotions. It’s where you can misbehave. It’s where you can be imperfect. It’s where you can screw up. It’s where you can be a pain in the ass. You can be you, the whole truth of you, and you will always feel loved and accepted. But unconditional love is not about permissiveness or about getting your own way all the time. Sometimes our families will disagree with us. They will get in our way. They will try and direct us. The times when your family feels confining will be the times when this love is tested. But if there is a real sense of respect then these moments of tension will be overcome. Unconditional love is not perfect love. It’s not about agreeing with every last inch of a person. It’s about loving and being loved for who you are, warts and all.