Finally, An Up Side To Awkward Sex

 In All, Sex, Sponsored

Let’s be honest: we’ve all had a funny, awkward, or perhaps just silly sexual experience at some point in our lives. From fumbled first times, to one night stands that didn’t go as planned, to being walked in on by unsuspecting roommates (or parents)…nothing makes us blush more than sex-gone-wrong.

But isn’t it great to look back at these times and laugh at ourselves? Life’s little mishaps shouldn’t haunt or shame us. Sharing our stories could even help other people feel less self-conscious.

So, I want to hear all about these wonderfully awkward encounters, and will be rewarding one lucky winner with this impressive vibrator from Carvaka for their troubles. The vibrator in question is this Ultra Seven Hummer G Spot Vibrator.

ultra_seven_hummer_vibrator_cyprussexshop-500x500UltraSevenHummerVibratorbyCyprussexshop-500x500

The ‘Hummer’ is a versatile, waterproof sex toy that includes escalation, pulsation and vibrational modes designed for ultimate pleasure.

So leave your comment below, and by all means, use a fake name if it makes you more comfortable. Just leave your email address (which won’t be published) so I can get in touch if you win.

 

Have fun!

 

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Showing 8 comments
  • Jena Tal Wortz
    Reply

    Carly I want to win a big fat effing dildo from you!!!

    My story (obvs my name is – Jena Tal Wortz):
    I was once went home with a honey who fingered me with skanky long fingernails on an IKEA bed. Said bed collapsed under the weight of our foreplay and his nail sliced open my sad little labia. luckily, said dude was also pre-med and a part-time carpenter. So after patching me up, throwing away the blood soaked sheets, and bicarbing the mattress, we spent the rest of that date fixing what turned out to be his brother’s bed in his brother’s home.

    I never heard from him again.

    DILDO PLEASE

    • Y'allonsomebs
      Reply

      Skanky fingers makes the story sound grotesque, my mind imagining too much. IKEA needs aren’t too bad, watch out for the cheapo ones though.

    • Carly
      Reply

      You’re the winner 😉 Please send me your address!

  • Climaxer
    Reply

    My fiance and I were travelling around the states on a bit of a budget.
    We were buying all the sneaky deals and skimping on all sorts – but could not seem get around the exorbitant ticket price to get to the viewing platform in Seattle’s tallest building. Some lovely waiter in the 4th floor StarBucks saw us peeking at the view from there and, clearly feeling sorry for our lack of funds (we ordered water to be in the Star Bucks…) shared with us how to get up to the floor above the viewing deck…
    We jumped in the lift, told the guy on that floor we were going to the board game night (Yes, that’s a thing) and headed over to the observe the view. Feeling the rush of having successfully climaxed the building and snuck in to the ‘private club’ floor, we decided to have a quick bout of sex on the window ledge of the men’s room. The view was incredible and the thrill of public bathroom sex always adds that extra bit of passion. Just before either of managed to reach any other climaxes, we heard a man clear his throat, ‘Excuse me, I am not sure what the two of you are doing in here, but this bathroom is for men only. I am not interested in any funny business – so please just leave…”
    On the way out, there was a whole line of hosts waiting outside, staring us down as we exited the bathroom – both looking a little flush…

    • Y'allonsomebs
      Reply

      That’s really embarrassing, pretty funny too

  • Ya'llonsomeBS
    Reply

    The awkwardness of some sexual encounters are either bad luck or just plain experiences meant to be. I see how one answer relates to the other. This sexual experience relates to other sexual experiences, which had some similarities. I’ll try to coincide those briefly to the first.

    Okay, here I go. This was a good 7 to 8 years ago, at a time I wasn’t too familiar with people in the neighborhood I moved to. I was getting to know faces and pondering where I could meet characters and be cool with them too. I was also looking to be sexually active. I’m usually picky and more so concern myself with people that are more mature(Can’t stand chasing too much, it bores me.) I really did not have an easy time with knowing anyone, so I went for a dry spell for about a year. I know, I know, but others have gone worse.

    A year later and just absolutely angry and puzzled as to how females were so different in this neighborhood. ( Ivy league, plus hipster, and other neighborhood) I really didn’t fit in, I just moved here because I thought it looked kind of chill. I started to get to know some characters around the hood, either male or female. As with most females that were a possibility I didn’t have the interest. It was like I just didn’t want to pursue what was in front of me, but at the same time, the ones I may have had more interest were at a distance, never around or close and distant.

    I was getting pretty depressed and one day, I started to meet this girl that was kind of cool that saw me working. I could tell she was attracted to me and she knew how to converse, no BS, just what’s up, then let the rest flow. (There were other times this happened with other females, but not as well, there was either a distraction or a major foul up) So I got to know her and talk to her a bit. I honestly wasn’t that sexually attracted to her, but it felt good to chat with someone honest and mature.

    A little while later I was still in my dry spell mode, nothing. I was about to go on vacation with my father and his wife to see my grandparents. I knew that would be a week getaway, and knowing that drove me crazy because I just haven’t fucking released anything, ejaculation, nothing! No fun sex times, WTF! I almost didn’t want to go. The day before the trip, the mature down to earth girl visits me at my job, she stays a little later. She then gives me her number and says call me tonight. I started to feel a little frazzled, like, hmmmmm, she serious?

    Here is where the fun begins. I get off of work, wash up, and give her a call. She is like come over, but being cool, I was like if it’s too late, then it’s all good. She was like no, no, it’s cool. I’m just chillin. I go over, we watched a movie, because that was apart of the plan. We stopped short, I felt a little hesitant to make a move, because I’m used to females in this neighborhood being odd and immature or pretend. She’s says it’s cool to sleep over. So I’m like yeah. We are chillin, then foreplay ensues. She’s says do whatever you want. It’s getting heavy, then I realize, how tired and destroyed I am. I see her going down while kissing me on her bed. She takes it out, and I know I’m good for it, no problems there, then all of a sudden, nothing, no matter what she does, nothing. I’m like WTF!!! (erection problem)

    I told her it’s all good, just tired. She’s already looking disappointed, so I’m like fuuuuuuuck! I stand up, go to her bathroom and try to muster up some will power to get myself erect. I see myself and nothing is happening. I then realize what I did five days in a row last week before this encounter. I masturbated the shit out of myself, the build up of no sex and being pushed to the side caused me to be in angry mode thinking I might as well just fuck myself! I distinctly remember the last masturbation moment was actually the previous night before this encounter, and I just was disgusted with myself and masturbated heavily without ejaculation. I immediately thought about that moment when I was in her bathroom, maybe because of tiring my balls out at the same time causing some blockage.

    I’m broken at this point. I’m just like, my life will get worse, she’ll tell her friends about the cool guy with the limp dick. I just try to stay cool go back into the bed room and relax. I kind of want to die at the moment. I lay down beside her and she asks are you alright? I say yeah, I just didn’t get any sleep the night before, so I think that has something to do with it. Of course I didn’t say oh I just masturbated all last week and stressed my balls out. I think back and ponder how that probably would have been better to say.

    A little later I start to feel some life again, it’s not perfectly erect, but it’s something! I have to do something because I know in my mind if I don’t, it’s going to be really bad! Threw on the condom, lets go! ( Wrong condom size by the way, I need the extra large size, not bull shitting, it’s just something I found out a little later in years. I was too embarrassed to get the big size, because, I didn’t want to be like yeah, you know how I do playa, at the counter when purchasing) So I finally get her to aspirate, moan and bounce around. I’m still in weird ejaculation mode, because not “cummming” the day before. I don’t cum, she just ends up being tired. It turned out to be an all night experience. We fell asleep around 5 am, had to leave early to go to the vacation. Gave a hug and kiss and thanked her for the awesome night.

    I knew in my mind that it wasn’t perfect or not perfect, it wasn’t good. Limp to off and on to just not stopping. I still felt the sting of negative pressure from paranoia that her friends and they will tell each other about this experience. I didn’t know, and after awhile we were cool, not relationship material with one another, but a mutual understanding.

    This taught me a few things about my body:
    1) I didn’t know I was lactose intolerant just yet
    2) Don’t masturbate like you need to go to rehab
    3) It’s amazing what exercise can do, especially sit ups, my sirs or ladies
    4) Too much drinking and sex don’t mix well

    A little on number 4, so there was a time I was with a cool female bar tender late into the morning. Went back into her place, jamboree time, still not the appropriate condom size of course. I was a bit drunk, so her too. Sex was okay, but I noticed how odd my body reacted to not knowing if I needed to go to the bathroom or not, I just tried because I was highly erect one minute and another not so, also because she was like c’mon dude! She actually said that or pretty close to something like that. I went to the bathroom and peed for a good minute if not two. I was like what the hell, after I went she did, and I think it was similar time. I told her I really didn’t know if I had to go to the bathroom. She said she felt the same. After that it was crash and bash. The alcohol took it’s toll though, my body was out of it and I was fixating on the lube she had to the point I was just rubbing her body with it. I think she was done at this point, and we went to sleep. I ended up getting into a wrestling match with the same person another night, but no sex ensued. Some people like it rough, and alcohol and sex don’t mix for me.

    I’ve been pretty normal and good ever since, but watch out for really spicy foods, know your allergies, gaseous foods also, drinking, and it’s very good to know what you want. I don’t mean a nonsensical unreal scenario, but intend and target your interests. It may be there and it may not, but through intention, comes random progression. Lastly exercise really helps, although I don’t know about being on a bike seat for long periods of a time?

    Hope you enjoyed this, and I do have some others, maybe some other time.

  • Carly
    Reply

    Thank you all for your entertaining comments. Your stories are hella awks but I do love hearing about others’ sexual exploits because I am reminded that sex is really not how it is portrayed in porn. And thank goodness for that. In these stories I can feel your human vulnerability. Of course we are vulnerable when we risk exposing ourselves in the act of sex. Having desire makes us vulnerable and making mistakes too. Thank you again for sharing! You’ve made Carly’s Couch a much more interesting place!

  • Ya'llonsomebs
    Reply

    Cool, luckily there winner wasn’t me, I would have to figure out what to do with that contraption? Porn, even though there are plenty of amateur performers, it still isn’t reality, because it’s a performance or act mixed with fantasy for the viewer. I would like some sex to be fantastical, only that’s trying to find a person with those particular interests. But that’s is always talked amongst one another in a partnership. Truly and yes…porn is definitely fantasy. My curiosity is to hear some of the reality that Porn stars face.

    Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself.

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