The art of gifting: How men can do better on special occasions

Mother’s Day happens every year. Birthdays happen every year. Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, all of it. And every year, most of you mess it up.

Here’s the thing: over 90% of women feel disappointed on these occasions. Not because they’re demanding or materialistic, but because you’re not paying attention to what actually matters to them.

I’m a clinical psychologist. I talk to women every day about their relationships. And what I hear consistently is that women feel underappreciated, unseen, and like their partners just don’t get it.

This isn’t about spending more money. It’s about understanding how to show love in a way that actually lands. It’s about the five love languages and why most men have no idea how to use them properly.

What You’ll Learn

The Five Love Languages: Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service
How to figure out which love language actually matters to your partner
Specific strategies that work for each love language (no more guessing)
Why your current approach isn’t working
How to plan ahead like an adult
Making special occasions actually special

Listen to the Episode

Watch on YouTube:

The Five Love Languages: Stop Guessing, Start Knowing

Figure Out What Actually Matters to Her

Look, you can’t just wing this anymore. The five love languages are:

GIFTS – She loves receiving thoughtful presents
PHYSICAL TOUCH – She needs a meaningful physical connection
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION – She needs to hear that you see and appreciate her
QUALITY TIME – She wants your focused attention
ACTS OF SERVICE – She wants you to DO things that make her life easier

How to actually figure out her love language:

Make everyone take the quiz online (yes, it exists, google it)
Watch how she shows love to others (people give what they want to receive)
Listen to what she complains about (“You never…” tells you everything)
Pay attention to what lights her up when she gets it

LOVE LANGUAGE #1: GIFTS

The Art of Actually Paying Attention

If gifting is her thing, you better nail it. Here’s how you stop failing at presents.

Step 1: Pay attention all year long

Listen when she says “I really love this” about anything
Notice which stores she always goes to
Write it down in your phone immediately (don’t trust your memory)
Keep a running note of gift ideas throughout the year

Step 2: Make it personal, not just expensive You need to connect what you’re giving her with WHY you’re giving it. Anyone can buy stuff. Not everyone can make it meaningful.

What NOT to do: Hand her a gift card without explanation What TO do: “Babe, I know you love this brand. I could have picked something specific, but I want you to have the fun of choosing exactly what you want. The whole experience of browsing and selecting – that’s part of my gift to you. You deserve it.”

Step 3: Think about the experience, not just the object When you give her jewelry, you’re not just giving her a necklace. You’re giving her something beautiful to wear that makes her think of you. Say that. “This made me think of you and how beautiful you are. I’d love to see you wearing it.”

LOVE LANGUAGE #2: PHYSICAL TOUCH

Beyond the Pathetic Hug

If physical touch is her love language, a quick hug on Mother’s Day is insulting. You need to step up.

What actually counts:

Proper massage: Oil, aromatherapy, good music, at least 30 minutes of your actual effort
Intentional intimacy: An hour of foreplay with zero expectation of sex
Professional touch: Pay for a massage because you know physical touch matters to her

The most important part is WHY: “You deserve to just receive from me. You work so hard for everyone else. Tonight is about your body feeling cared for.”

Reality check: Most women don’t have physical touch as their number one love language. It’s usually men. So don’t assume this is her main thing, but if it is, do it properly.

LOVE LANGUAGE #3: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Actually See Her and Say It

Women do invisible work every single day. If you can’t see what your woman does for you and your family, you need therapy. Seriously.

What she needs to hear (copy these if you have to):

“Thank you for showing up the way you do for this family”
“Thank you for all the times you’ve put our kids to sleep”
“Thank you for the sacrifices your body has made”
“Thank you for putting your career aside to be available for our children”
“Thank you for always knowing what we all need and like”
“Thank you for keeping our house feeling like home”
“Thank you for caring about my work stress and supporting me”
“Thank you for being my cheerleader when I need it”

Make it special:

Hide notes around the house where she’ll find them
Write it in a card (revolutionary concept, I know)
Engrave something meaningful on jewelry
Put it everywhere – her laptop, the fridge, her phone

The point is showing her that you SEE everything she does. Because right now, you don’t.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4: QUALITY TIME

Stop Taking Her to Boring Dinners

Quality time isn’t sitting across from each other at a restaurant struggling for conversation. You’ve been together for years – that’s awkward.

What quality time actually means:

One-on-one time away from kids and family obligations
Doing something together, not just talking at each other
NEW experiences that bond you

Better quality time ideas:

Take a surfing lesson together
Go rock climbing
Take a long walk on the beach (like, a proper hour-long walk)
Try breathwork or some other class together
Weekend away from all responsibilities

How to present it properly: “For Mother’s Day, I want quality time with just you. Away from domestic life, away from the kids. I want us to do something together that’s just for us. How does [activity] sound?”

But here’s the thing about mothers: She might need quality time ALONE more than time with you. If she has kids under three, guarantee she needs solo time.

Give her this: “I’m taking care of the kids for two hours. This time is entirely for you (no chores, no taking care of anyone else). What do YOU need?”

LOVE LANGUAGE #5: ACTS OF SERVICE

Your Job Doesn’t Count

Get this straight: going to work doesn’t count as acts of service if you were doing it before she existed. Acts of service means doing things that someone else would otherwise have to do.

What actually counts:

Making meals (and making them BETTER than usual, not worse)
Taking over childcare without being asked
Fixing things around the house
Doing tasks she always does
Building or creating something for the family

The standard you need to hit: If you’re making breakfast, it can’t be some sad scrambled eggs that are worse than what she makes every day. Either make it amazing (flowers, beautiful presentation, multiple courses) or pay for professional breakfast.

The principle: “I see what you do every day without being asked. Today I’m taking that over and doing it with extra care because you deserve to be taken care of.”

How to Actually Win at Special Occasions

The Multi-Language Strategy

Bare minimum: Hit her top 2 love languages plus words of affirmation Gold standard: All five love languages throughout the day

Sample winning day:

Morning: Thoughtful gift waiting when she wakes up (Gifts)
Breakfast: Elaborate meal you prepared with beautiful presentation (Acts of Service)
Card: Detailed appreciation for everything she does (Words of Affirmation)
Afternoon: Activity planned just for you two (Quality Time)
Evening: Proper massage or intimate time (Physical Touch)

Planning Like an Adult

Put these dates in your calendar RIGHT NOW:

Mother’s Day
Her birthday
Kids’ birthdays
Your anniversary
Valentine’s Day

Set alerts for AT LEAST one week before each date

Week before checklist:

What needs to be ordered/delivered?
What reservations need to be made?
What needs to be planned or prepared?

The whole day matters: She needs something the moment she wakes up. The entire day should feel like it’s focused on her. It’s a few days per year (make them count).

The Bottom Line

This isn’t complicated. It’s about intention, attention, and effort. You need to:

Pay attention to her throughout the year
Plan ahead like the adult you supposedly are
Put thought into what would actually make her feel seen and valued
Execute with care, not just tick boxes

If you’re thinking “this is too much work for four days a year,” then honestly, you’re not ready for a relationship with a woman who deserves better.

These occasions are your chance to prove you’re worthy of her. And yes, that’s something you need to keep proving.

About Carly Abramovitz

Carly Abramovitz is a clinical psychologist based in Cape Town who doesn’t sugarcoat anything. She hosts “On the Couch with Carly,” where she has real conversations about relationships, parenting, and mental health that actually help people.

Carly specializes in helping new parents through her “Oh Baby WTF” workshops, because becoming a parent changes everything and most people are completely unprepared for the reality.

Her approach: professional expertise without the bullshit. Making psychology practical for real relationships.